THE PHANTOM MENACE
- The Psychiatric Report

The Phantom Menace


According to a psychiatric survey of aging geeks who saw Star Wars on its first release, conducted by the University of Fallovershire, the Phantom Menace commonly engenders the following trauma response pattern…


1 - DENIAL

“No, no, the name isn’t just a lazy pulp cliché bordering on parody ACTUALLY! If you consider the trade embargo plot - which by the way is remarkably complex for a so-called kiddie flick you despicable hater – you’ll see that in fact the film’s title is actually jolly clever!”


2 – ANGER

“For Cliff’s sake, the looks of the technology doesn’t even match the original series. Why the fuck is there a bloke with Mr Whippy ice cream for a head on the Jedi council? And flobber dobber dob an’ ting to you too Brian Blessed you beardy bastard!”


3 – BARGAINING

“Alright, alright admittedly bloody Selbulba looks like the result of a Fly-style transporter pod accident involving Dastardly and Muttley but you must admit the pod race is pretty damn cool … Beautiful plumage, err I mean, high speed race sequences. What do you mean they should have been land speeders?”


4 - DEPRESSION

“It’s all shit innit … I wasted years waiting this and for what … the Force is airbound Pantene pro-vitamins and seeing Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of teh bleedin' Sith lest we forget, being called 'Annie' … Talk about a fucking hard knock life!”


5 - ACCEPTANCE

“Yes the Ewoks were the beginning of the end and Lucas isn’t going stop – he’ll run the franchise so far into the ground that the last piece of the Star Wars canon is going to be a flick book animation he drew himself, in crayon, released only as an app for the iTat in 2030. That’s what you get for mistaking a man who resembles a pygmy version of the Bigfoot from the Six Million Dollar Man for a visionary…”


JIM MOON, 1st June 2010


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